Trust Me, It Makes Sense in the End

It’s been almost 5 years since my last blog post; which is completely normal right?  Several times since then I started writing again but could never finish because, for me, the writing process is painful.   Not in a “my memories are traumatic” kind of way but in an “ouch this hurts my brain” kind of way.   I have this tangled up ball of string in my head and somehow I have to get something to come out that makes sense and is in paragraph form.  The past 5 years have been hard enough without me inflicting that kind of torture on myself. 

Things have certainly changed in my life.  While I think I have been wildly successful raising Bella, I cannot say I have had the same level of success in my marriage.   Let’s just say the blog tag line should now read “Warrior Single-Parenting of a child with CF”.   Being a CF Mom prepared me for anything though.  I have lots of experience clinging to God with both hands and it came in very handy these last few years.  I can now report that when you stay in that position for an extended period of time you are going have to let go of a lot of things you thought were important.   There is just no way to hold onto anything while you have both hands death gripped on Jesus!

If there is one thing I regret is how long it took me to stop fighting God and just let things fall away.  I wasted a lot of time attempting to keep my world together by a sheer force of MY will.   When that last bastion of self --my pride -- crumbled I was finally able to see God’s will.   His plan turned out to be fabulous by the way, as if there would be any doubt which one of us was right.  Thankfully God promises that He makes ALL things work for good; because, at the end of all the destruction I ended up gaining a lot more space to live in (figuratively speaking, my house is actually smaller)  By space I mean where before I felt completely burdened and stressed beyond my ability to handle; I now have time for all the things that truly matter.   I have moments of peace I have never had before and it makes it all worth it.  

For some reason I also received a bonus spin on the wheel of Trials and Tribulations and boy did I hit the jackpot!   I have battled fear and anxiety for my entire life. This all changed when I was able to let go of my pride.  Apparently fear needs to have it's buddy pride around or it doesn’t work so well.   I have much less fear because I have much less ME that I am maintaining.  It is so much work to pretend to have your stuff together.  Many times I start to do something but stop out of fear of how it will be received. Now my only pride comes from the fact that God made me and loves me, hot mess and all.   Life is so much more fun this way. 

So as I see it, I have total freedom to be a really inconsistent blogger who wants to overshare about her life so maybe someone laughs or gets a little dose of hope.   I may be going out on a limb here but I am probably not the only warrior single-parent out there.   Maybe right now you are holding fast to your idea of life and totally ignoring what God has to say.  Trust me, He is going to be right in the end so just listen and get it over with.

As a side note it is amusing to me that as the world gets crazier and crazier, I am finding peace.  If you read my story you could possible conclude I am a bit of a wacko, and that would be fair.  I certainly would never have thought 10 years ago that when things went apocalyptic I WOULDN’T be the one stocking up on canned goods and collecting rain water.  If that isn’t a testimony to the power of Jesus I don’t know what is.